beefnap:

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

the human body is so fake like i’ll be reading the news and it’s like “25 year old woman free falls 1,500 feet into 25 feet of snow, found alive and uninjured” and while I’m absolutely reeling over that I don’t even have time to process it fully before I look at the next article “25 year old man falls into shallow end of pool, dies instantly.”

like our bodies literally have the durability predictability of an iphone

one time I misjudged how steep a “hill” was and proceeded to slide down the slope of a cliff for a full half minute and hit the bottom unscathed.

then I tripped on the stairs on my way to see Neon Genesis Evangelion and shattered my entire kneecap.

We have god mode or one hit K/O no in between

(via teenagerposts)

lubricates:

i recommend the creme brulee

i recommend you go away

(via teenagerposts)

meladoodle:

*forgets what im talking about halfway through a sentence*

(via thebootydiaries)

pinkisbitter:

My mattress is strapped to eight roombas and I leave all my doors open at night so the roombas can go where they want to. I wake up where they want me to be. I trust their decisions.

(via teenagerposts)

alrightanakin:

Why was Shrek’s soundtrack so incredible like who sat down and decided that a movie about an ogre would have a beautiful Rufus Wainwright ballad followed by a Smash Mouth/Eddie Murphy cover of I’m A Believer and how can I thank them

(via hotboyproblems)

partybarackisinthehousetonight:

*releases pack of dads into home depot* go……be free

(via hotboyproblems)

drunkmarvel:

a wholeass fuckin’ mood

(via etherealdripxo)